So I was requested to write a how to essay on basically anything- not a good topic to dabble in at 1 in the morning. Still, I dabbled…and cracked myself up in the process. Funny things are healthy and should be embraced. So, giggle a little with me…
Gone, Gone, Gone Again: How To Lose Your Keys Three Times In One Day
The key to any great how-to project is having the right ingredients necessary for the project to be a success. When it comes to projects in which you lose things, stress is vitally important for the project to run smoothly. A lack of sleep will only enhance your project, so aim for 3 hours or less before you begin. Now time is also a factor in successfully losing your keys multiple times, but this ingredient can be tricky. The less time you have, the more likely you will be to lose your keys. It’s a fact, but Googling it is not a suggestion. It’s best to choose a day where you a) have multiple destinations, b) have overbooked yourself in tasks, and c) absolutely must meet a deadline at some sort. The combination of these ingredients will naturally produce a lack of time, overcoming that obstacle. Now that you have assembled your ingredients, you will need to ensure you do not find your key piece of equipment: your keys. Since it is best to begin this project shortly before sunrise, it is best if you put your keys in an obscure place the night before. A pocket of some sort is suggested; further success will come if that pocket is attached to something you rarely use.
Once your preparation is complete, you are ready to commence the project of losing your keys. If you have followed the instructions thus far, you will likely begin when you leave your home. It should take about 20-30 minutes to search for your keys, depending on how obscure your pocket selection was. When you find your keys, you should note the added ingredient of frustration to your project. This will only increase as the project continues. At this point you should be able to make it to your destination safely, albeit 30-45 minutes late. Sometime in the afternoon you should be distracted by one of many tasks. Select tasks most pressing for this part of the project, as you will be more likely to absentmindedly pick up your keys and place them in a second obscure location. A drawer works well for this part of the project; be sure to close the drawer once the keys are inside to ensure a difficult search. When it is time to leave your destination, you should once again notice your keys are missing. At this point, anger will result from your mixture of ingredients, and the volume and irritation levels of your voice should be elevated with nearly everyone you speak- all of whom should have no idea of the project on which you work. The search in this section should take approximately 15 minutes, depending on how large the area in which you have worked is. You will then proceed to your next location, and arrival should be 30 minutes later than expected.
Your final stage of the project will combine frustration, irritation, and confusion with exhaustion. Upon completing your task at your destination before home, you should have worked longer than expected, approximately an hour. If you have completed the project thus far, this stage will come with relative ease. Your keys will, as if by magic, make their way away from you without prompting. You should search, fruitlessly, for 10-15 minutes before a kind stranger returns them to you. At this point you should notice laughter building in your chest as a result of your disbelief in the day. Disbelief is a natural reaction to this project and should be embraced heartily. In cases in which laughter also results as a natural reaction, it can be used as a recovery method for the project.
For further explanation and a list of additional projects, please refer to Murphy’s Law: The 26th Anniversary Edition, by Arthur Bloch.
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